Acta Sanctorum
Scene 1
(
Michael: Bloody Hell, it’s empty out
here. What gives?
(Michael turns a corner, revealing the forum.
The forum is crowded. Michael
claps a palm to his forehead.)
Michael: Duh. Festival day.
(Michael walks across the street and enters the forum area. The forum is packed. He rolls his eyes as he notices a procession
towards the
Michael: (Mutters to himself in ancient
Babylonian.) Pointless slaughter, if you
ask me.
(He continues to walk through the forum, careful not to run
into anyone. There are a few other
processions going on as well. He darts
and bobs through the crowd, only to be cut off by yet another procession.)
Michael: Oh for the love of God, all of
this for a mere mortal who was elevated to the status of a god
post-mortem.
(Michael crosses his arms in irritation. He gets a few angry looks from other
people. He then turns red and claps a
hand to his forehead.)
Michael: Shit, I just said that out loud.
(Three people around Michael turn towards him and glare.)
Gallus: Did you just
speak against the emperor?
Justina: He did. I heard it with my own ears.
Servius: Against his
divinity, no less.
Michael: I didn’t, really! I simply made an observation that he was
treated like a mortal when he was alive, so it makes no sense to make him into
a God after his death.
Justina: What?!
Gallus: What rock have you been living
under? Augustus is without a doubt a god and was one while he was amongst us as
well!
Michael: (Snorts.) Oh please!
I’m more qualified to be a god
than Augustus.
Servius: Take that
back. (He pushes Michael.)
Michael: Absolutely not. What are you going to do about it?
(A small group, which has been watching gasps at collectively. Servius pushes Michael, who pushes back out of instinct. Servius then throws a punch, which Michael catches. He then twists Servius’ wrist, who helps in pain. Suddenly there’s a scuffle as the rest of the crowd converges on Michael, resulting in a brawl. This continues for all of two minutes, when four Roman soldiers (ordinary foot soldiers) break up the fight.)
Michael: (Sitting on the ground, with his face bloodied and part of his tunic torn.) Shit, shit, shit! (He stands up.)
Amandus: Right,
what’s all this then?
Faustus: Who started this brawl?
(Several people look at Michael, others at Servius. Michael and Servius are hauled to their
feet.)
Michael: I absolutely did not start this.
Servius: He insulted the Divine
Augustus.
Michael: I did not insult him!
Servius: He did and others heard it!
Michael: Well if we’re going to turn
this into a game of “he said, she said” then I heard your mother say that she
thought you were ugly and needed to be pushed off the Tarpeian Rock!
Servius: You son of a--
(Servius dives at Michael, but is restrained by one of the soldiers. Michael glares.)
Servius: Ask others here about his
denial of the divinity of Augustus if you don’t believe me!
Horatia: The other
man did say something to the effect that he had more divinity than
Augustus.
(A few other people nod and murmur in agreement. Michael turns bright red and shakes his
head.)
Michael: That man threw the first punch in this fight! I fought in self defense.
(A few murmur in agreement.
One of the soldiers pauses for moment.)
Vitus: What’s your call?
Amandus: Take them both in for questioning?
Faustus: Probably the safest route.
Amandus: Right then.
(Both Michael and Servius are bound behind their backs and led off.)
Scene 2
(A Roman prison.
Michael sits in a dark cell, looking very displeased with his current
situation. He runs a hand through his
hair.)
Michael: Lovely. How am I supposed to
weasel my way out of this?
(At that moment the door to his cell is unlocked and opened. Michael stands up. His hands are bound, which annoys him. He is led off through a corridor and then
into a room. The room is small and
shabby, with a small desk, a scribe and a consul, as well as a chair for
Michael. Not that it’s very comfortable. Michael walks in, rolls his eyes and sits on
the chair.)
Consul: Are you aware
of what you are accused of?
Michael: Actually, no. All I recall is a
small fight breaking out in the forum and being dragged here.
Consul: (Nods.) The charges are as follows: treason to the
empire by proclaiming yourself to be a God and starting a riot in the forum.
Michael: (Stares.) What?!
Consul: That’s according to the charges brought against you and backed up by the testimony of others.
Michael: That’s…that’s a totally
inaccurate statement! I might have said
some unkind things regarding the divinity of Augustus but I did not imply that
I was a god myself! (He pauses.) Shit, I don’t have citizenship, I can’t
appeal this.
Consul: Indeed
not. Do you plead guilty to the charges?
(Michael pauses to consider the options.
He raises an eyebrow.)
Michael: What is the punishment for
this, exactly?
Consul: Death, by flogging.
(Michael leans over and bangs his head on the consul’s desk a few times.)
Michael: Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Consul: Er.
(Michael stops and sits up straight.)
Michael: So, no trial
by jury of my peers, nothing? I mean,
even if I claim innocence here, you’re going to flog me to death.
(The consul nods.)
Michael: Well then I’ll just do this, since I’m a condemned man anyway. (He takes a deep breath.) Augustus was a mere mortal, Julius Caesar was
an asshole, Jupiter is a giant horny prick, and in all seriousness your
pantheon needs to go to family counseling!
I have more divinity in my pinky finger than your emperors do in their
entire bodies! I fart on the
(The consul stares in horror.)
Michael: Er.
(The consul walks out. He mutters
something to the guard outside the room, who comes in and leads Michael
off. Michael sighs, knowing exactly
where this is going.)
Scene 3
(The Forum. Lucifer
is walking about in a large crowd.)
Voice 1: Yeah, that riot that broke out
was nasty. I saw it happen.
Voice 2: What started it?
Voice: 1: Some yellow haired moron said
that he had more divinity than Augustus and started throwing punches.
(Lucifer perks up. He approaches the
voices, who it turns out are two women.)
Lucifer: Er, excuse me. You said there was a riot?
Woman 1: Earlier
today, right here.
Lucifer: What happened, exactly?
Woman 1: A blonde foreigner insulted
Augustus. Claimed that he was made a god
post mortem, so he really wasn’t a god.
(Lucifer’s brow wrinkles slightly.)
Lucifer: Could you describe this foreigner?
Woman 2: There’s not much to
describe. Blonde, hair was short. Blue eyes.
Very tall.
(Lucifer groans inwardly.)
Woman 1: Why, do you know him?
Lucifer: I’m afraid so. What happened to him?
Woman 2: Some soldiers came along, broke
up the fight he started and took him and another man off to prison to be
questioned.
Lucifer: (He smiles and nods his
head.) Thank you very much for your time
ladies, I appreciate it.
Woman 1: You’re quite welcome.
Woman 2: Glad to be of help.
(Lucifer walks off briskly.)
Lucifer: Michael, I’m going to kill you.
Scene 4
(A small room.
Michael is chained to a whipping post.
Quite a bit of his flesh has been totally torn off of his back. The whip cracks again. Michael is in pain, but doesn’t scream. This happens a few more times until a knock
sounds at the door. The guard stops
whipping Michael and walks over to open the door. Suddenly there’s a loud thud and the guard
falls to the floor. Michael cranes his
neck over towards the door slowly. He
sees Lucifer.)
Michael: What…the…hell…?
(Lucifer walks over with a large set of keys.
Michael glares.)
Michael: Seriously, what the hell are you doing?
Lucifer: What does it look like? Saving your ass.
Michael: Well stop!
(Lucifer stares at him.)
Lucifer: You want to have your skin flayed to bits?!
Michael: Much rather have that happen than you save me.
Lucifer: I—what?! (He stares.) You’re worse than I am, you little dickhead!
Michael: Oh-ho-ho, big words coming from
the embodiment of pride!
Lucifer: I’m not so stupid as to refuse help from someone from whom I wouldn’t accept
assistance from otherwise in a situation like this!
Michael: Well thank
GOD I’m not you!
(Lucifer snarls and punches Michael’s raw back.
Michael screams in pain.)
Michael: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Lucifer: Don’t make me do it again!
(Lucifer unlocks Michael. Michael
attempts to stand up and promptly falls over.)
Lucifer: Now, do you want my help
standing up or not? (He looks over at
the guard.) Looks like the guard is
starting to regain consciousness.
(Michael squeaks a little and then, very pitifully, reaches up a hand to
Lucifer. Lucifer takes it without asking
any questions, hauls Michael to his feet and teleports the two out.)
Fin.