Io Sentia D'ogne Parte Trarre Guai

Scene 1

(Lucifer flips through a filing cabinet in his office. He looks bored as he does so. A knock sounds on his door. Lucifer looks up.)

Lucifer: Yeah? Come in!

(Enter Semyaza. Semyaza looks to be in his mid 40s and wears jeans and a t-shirt.)

Lucifer: What’s up?

Semyaza: The fact that you’ve been requested repeatedly to take a look at the rezoning in circle six and you’ve yet to do so. I put in the work information three months ago.

(Lucifer pauses for a moment and turns bright red.)

Lucifer: Er, well, that’s what I was looking for! (He grins cheerfully.) I filed it away, obviously.

(Semyaza folds his arms and raises an eyebrow in question. Lucifer shifts his weight uncomfortably. Semyaza snorts.)

Semyaza: Okay, whatever. Look, do it today because we’re nearly out of room down there.

Lucifer: (Concerned.) Really?

Semyaza: Sadly.

(Lucifer flips through the file cabinet and produces a folder.)

Lucifer: Ah, found it! (He beams.)

Semyaza: (Sarcastically.) Fantastic. I’ll alert the media.

Lucifer: Tell them I will not be releasing a statement.

(Lucifer laughs. Semyaza rolls his eyes. Lucifer opens the folder and flips through it.)

Lucifer: I’ll get right on it. Is it cold out?

Semyaza: S’mid autumn. The woods are usually breezey though. You’ll have this on my desk by 5?

Lucifer: Sure thing.

Semyaza: Thank you.

(Semyaza exits.)

Scene 2
(Circle 7, the woods of the suicides. The circle is grey, bleak and windy, littered with the most grotesque forest one could imagine. Here, people morph into trees with their waist and below becoming trunks and everything else becoming branches. They twist and turn in disturbed ways, slowly, in agony. Many still retain human characteristics, such as faces. Harpies nest amongst the branches. The forest chants various laments, but there is always a low baritone “woe” coming from all sides of the forest. Lucifer walks through the woods wearing a long black jacket and red scarf that blows behind him. He carries the folder under his arm and looks around. He is clearly uncomfortable.)

Lucifer: The sooner I can do this the sooner I can go home.

(He continues to walk through the forest until he reaches a clearing. One single tree stands in the middle and that tree looks almost human. Lucifer takes the folder and looks at it, then looks up. He approaches the tree and begins to look around. The tree is a teenaged girl, about 16. She has black hair and is nude. Her fingers had begun to turn into branches and from her ankles down she is rooted to the ground and made of bark. Unlike most of the woods, she does not seem to be in pain at all. She watches Lucifer for a moment.)

Girl: Can I help you?

Lucifer: Mmmph. How long have you been here?

Girl: Two years. Is it important?

(Lucifer stands up and looks at the folder again.)

Lucifer: Somewhat. You were planted in the wrong place and we need to move you and a few other trees around. Need more room and all that.

(The girl pauses for a moment while Lucifer begins to write things down in the folder.)

Girl: Oh. So you work here then?

Lucifer: Unfortunately. Mmph, damn you Semyaza, you’re using really big words I don’t know.

Girl: So you’re one of the fallen angels? (She brightens up.) Which one?

Lucifer: (Offhandedly.) Lucifer.

Girl: (Her voice becomes higher. She grins.) REALLY? THE Lucifer?

Lucifer: I certainly don’t think I’m Venus, if that’s what you’re asking. Could you give me a minute? I need to concentrate on this paperwork.

Girl: Ohmigod I never thought I’d actually get a chance to meet you but I just have to say I really do love you for what you’ve done! I mean I’ve spent all my teenage years trying to emulate your spirit of rebellion and freedom! I became a Satanist to further get into what you really meant by your rebellion against God and killed myself so that I might have the honour of joining the host of your concubines in Hell.

(Lucifer looks up from his paperwork, clearly horrified.)

Lucifer: I’m sorry, what?

Girl: What do you mean?

Lucifer: I…I’m sorry I thought I just heard you say that you killed yourself so I might screw you. (He blinks.) Please tell me I heard you wrong.

Girl: That’s sort of oversimplified but--

(Lucifer rubs the bridge of his nose in irritation. The girl looks confused.)

Girl: Did I offend you, m’lord?

Lucifer: (Looks up.) Don’t ever, ever call me that. (He sighs.) Look, it’s a personal policy of mine not to date the damned.

(The girl’s face falls slightly.)

Lucifer: Sorry. Moreover, I really didn’t rebel against God. We had a disagreement that escalated out of control. (He pauses.) Heck, it was the archangel Michael that started the whole conflict; I just took it to the extreme. (He shakes his head.) Anyway, look. My point is that no, you won’t become my concubine and that it’s best you get any notion of it out of your head right now. You’re damned coz you killed yourself and no infatuation with the devil will change your punishment. Sorry.

(The girl’s face now falls completely. She sags from her upright position. Tears begin to well up in her eyes.)

Lucifer: You’ll be moved to a different location next week, so don’t get used to the view here.

(Lucifer begins to walk away. The girl begins to wail along with the rest of the woods. Lucifer sighs and takes a beat to look back at her. She sways and thrashes about wildly. Lucifer then turns away.)

Lucifer: M’sorry.

(He continues to walk through the woods, back to work.)

Fin.